There is an art form to slacking that I have mastered. It takes a lot of time and dedication, but if you’re willing to make the sacrifices, you too can become a master slacker such as myself. Here is the JustHave guide to slacking:
Step 1) Get a job, while this may seem like the last thing a slacker wants to do, it is vital to making sure you won’t be living in your grandparents basement or your siblings house.
Step 2) Show up to work everyday for 91 days. After 90 days your trial period is over and they can’t fire you without good reason, at least not without paying your unemployment.
Step 3) Buy a Sebo X-4 GoVacuum Pet Edition from GoVacuum, this is irrelevant, but if I don’t mention a product in every blog, I won’t have a job. As the black sheep of my family, I have to have a job or I won’t have a home to live in.
Step 4) On day 92 stop showing up to work, stop answering calls from your boss and never return his phone call. Just act like Ron Livingston in Office Space, you need to be able to truly channel his character and care free attitude.
Step 5) After not showing up to work for about a week, be the first to work one morning and act like nothing ever happened. Just look busy all day until your boss comes in your office and when he ask you where you’ve been and what happened? Say how much fun you had on your vacation and thank him for giving you the week off. This will make him think he forgot telling you to take a vacation and he’ll start to question his memory vs questioning you. (I recommend buying something from the dollar store and giving it to him as a souvenir, it makes your claim more believable)
Step 6) Order an IQAir air purifier from us and say it’s because of the dirty air at the office, it keeps making you sick and you needed the best HEPA air purifier on the market. This will allow me to keep my job, plus you now have an excuse for not showing up in the future as the last thing any corporate office wants is to be making their employees sick, it’s a liability for them.
Step 7) Search the Internet for something really great about your company. Chances are there is something out there on the web about your company that your boss doesn’t know about. Then take that to your boss and explain how when you were off work for the last 3 days you were working on that. He will be thrilled, give you praise and even offer to allow you to work from home!
Step 8) Enjoy the “working” at home schedule you now have and don’t ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tell your boss about these 8 steps!
In the event you fail to follow these 8 steps and you get fired, look at the bright side. You now get unemployment for not working, enjoy the paycheck for not having to do anything!
BREAKING GOVACUUM NEWS: (see step 7) On January 9th of this year, just one day after my last blog post- I started working on this and I’m proud to announce GoVacuum is featured in a Google Adwords Youtube promotional video! Check it out! Then you can visit our youtube channel which has about 150 videos with product reviews by yours truly (I was blinded back then and used to show up to work, but now I see the light as I have followed these 8 steps I created) Please ignore the fact the promo video was uploaded by Google in September 2011…
If you have any questions about how to be a slacker go ahead and email me firstname.lastname@example.org. Until then… ask not what you can do for your company, but what your company can do for you!